“We should receive correction without letting any sensitiveness or bitterness of heart remain in us.” (Saint Francis de Sales, “Imitation of Christ”, page 75).
Sometimes I am very sad. Nothing is terribly different or wrong in my life, but there is a sadness that is really something akin to grief.
During those times, my life continues as usual. I look after my children and my husband. I care for my home and my work. I chat and laugh and smile, but deep inside there is a sadness.
I have been reflecting on that feeling of sadness – it never last very long – and wondering what it really could mean.
After all, if you consider my Earthly life, it is almost perfect. I have not been tried by God. I have not had any great tragedy or disappointment. Almost everything that I have asked for, I have received. And yet, still, there is at times a deep sadness.
And I wonder if perhaps everyone is like this in some way. Many of the great Saints experienced sadness despite the joy in their lives. Saint Mother Teresa of Calcutta experienced profound sadness at feeling spiritual dryness due to her feelings of isolation from God for the last fifty years of her life. So, basically, when she was doing her best work and forging her soul to Sainthood, she was experiencing terrible sadness in her heart. When the world outside looked at her and considered her an unparalleled success, Saint Mother Teresa of Calcutta considered herself – in the depths of her own soul – a terrible failure.
And she is not the only one. Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska also experienced terrible spiritual dryness during periods of her life. And as her ambition was to be the greatest Saint in all of Heaven, that spiritual dryness caused her terrible sadness. She called her soul miserable many times. And yes, she was referring to her lowly state when compared with God, and this word was used to reflect her humility. But also, when she spoke of her miserable soul, she was referring to her sadness. You see, there was so much of her life that was misunderstood. She was not well liked in her convent and was considered an inconvenience to the other sisters, who considered that she was pretending to be ill (she had tuberculosis of the intestines and died a slow and tremendously painful death) so that she could shirk her duties.
And when I think of those examples, and compare them with my own, it seems to me that it is okay for me to be a little bit sad sometimes. Perhaps this sadness that I try to avoid, is just a reminder of the misery of my soul, and an indication that I should look up to Heaven and my Beloved. After all, that is where all the happiness and joy in the whole of existence lies…
And so, the next time I feel sad, I am going to look up. For there – there is only joy…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.
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