Perhaps I needed some time and a process in order to fall in love with my Blessed Lord…
Sometimes it takes me a while to decide to do what I need to do.
Sometimes I think that I will be able to do something in a certain way and instead of being able to do it I am stuck doing everything else… This is not because I am unable to do the thing – it is actually often the opposite – I have plenty of time to get the thing done but I chose not to act on that.
And often, when things are more difficult and times are most challenging, that is when it is almost impossible for me to do what I want to do.
Take – for example – my little baby who died before he was even born… For years and years I cried for that child. I cried for the earthly life he could have lived. My heart was so fragmented that nothing could repair it and nothing could patch it up. And yet, there remained a glimmer of God inside my mind. And then one day, after I had already taught myself to begin to pray the Rosary again, and after I had remembered the Divine Mercy, and had been praying them robotically without any feeling at all, I suddenly – thorough an inspiration of the Holy Spirit – knew that my baby was in Heaven and was safe. And I saw in an instant that I had nothing to grieve…
And I have been thinking about that today… Because sometimes, God allows the miracles to unfold slowly – not because He cannot make them quick – but because I cannot keep up…
“Some people brought to him a blind man, and begged him to touch him. And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the village; and when he had spit on his eyes and laid his hands upon him, he asked him, ‘Do you see anything?’ And he looked up and said, ‘I see men; but they look like trees, walking.’ Then again he laid his hands upon his eyes; and he looked intently and was restored, and saw everything clearly.” (Mark 8:22-26).
And that blind man allowed Christ to lead him. He allowed Christ to hold his hand and carry him along. Then he allowed Christ to spit in his eyes. Then when he tried to see and things were not quite right, he did not storm off in a huff, he spoke to Christ and tried again…
And that process – that whole movement from the moment Christ took the blind man’s hand to through the spittle and the talking and the trying to see – all of that was not for Christ. Christ who created the Heavens and the Earth did not need a process to help the man to see. It was the man who needed the process so as not to become overwhelmed with his miracle.
And though I moaned through the years of waiting, I suppose that I did too. Perhaps I was not ready for a miracle on the day my baby went to heaven… Perhaps I needed some time and a process in order to fall in love with my Blessed Lord…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.
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