The pain comforts me because it confirms that God – who is GOOD – is in this pain with me and I am not alone.
When I was in high school, many years ago, my school introduced an externally-run kickboxing aerobic program as part of our physical health and development classes each week for a term or two.
Now, I am not a very fit or athletic person, and I never have been and of all the classes that I attended at school, sports were my least favourite activity. But the novelty of having external coordinators running that class caused my enthusiasm for the subject to grow just a little.
One thing that I remember very clearly about that kickboxing program was that it was a very very intensive workout – probably the most intensive workout that I have ever participated in in my life… While we did not engage in bouts of fighting or boxing, we did a very intensive one hour session twice each week, where we skipped, ran, lifted weights and jumped. And what became immediately clear to me was that this kickboxing was a very painful sort of exercise.
And I have been reflecting on that exercise and the burning pain of that workout as I have been reflecting – through prayer – on the glory of God. You see, that exercise reminds me of suffering…
Prior to my conversion – which occurred through Grace and no merit of my own, while I was praying for my niece who was very very sick a couple of years ago – I experienced the pain of losing a child before he was even born. And the pain that I experienced when my little saint went to heaven before I was ready to let him go was so unexpectedly intense and terrible that I simply panicked, shut down and literally could not cope with it.
And I have been reflecting on that terrible pain that I felt at the passing of my precious precious son, and I have been reflecting on how dark and terrible my torment was. And I have been comparing my experience of pain and suffering all those years ago to what I feel today – following the GRACE of conversion…
Before that Grace, I felt the pain – the same pain that I continue to feel today – but before the GRACE, that terrible pain made me panic and it overwhelmed me and when I felt that grief, I could only see the burden of that pain and I was BLIND to my God inside it. And everything was sad – my whole life in fact…
Now – following the Grace of my conversion and through the influence of the Holy Spirit – though I continue to feel exactly the same pain, my experience of pain is completely different. You see, though nothing changed in the pain – something tremendous changed in me! And now, I can see the suffering for what it is… It is a MEANS to an end, like the steady burning pain of kickboxing, which was necessary to make me physically strong, this grief is a steady burning pain that is necessary to make me spiritually strong.
It continues to hurt – more than anything else that I have experienced before – but the pain does not overwhelm me anymore, and NOT because “Time heals all wounds”, but because God SUFFERS all wounds.
And now – through Grace – I can see that and instead of running from the pain, I can welcome it. It is GOOD. And because I can see the good in this pain – the merit of this suffering – it does not panic me anymore. It does not overwhelm me. No. The pain COMFORTS me – and not because I am sadistic or I enjoy suffering, because I can assure you I do not!
The pain comforts me because it confirms that God – who is GOOD – is in this pain with me and I am not alone. For this pain gains me great merit and thus it is GOOD, and being GOOD – it is filled with the INFINITE GOODNESS OF GOD!
You see, I finally understand the words of Saint Clare of Assisi when she said, "Love that does not suffer is not worthy of the name."
And that is why today I thank God for the Gift of Faith – for it is only through this GIFT – that I can go on… Only through this gift…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.
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