“Father close by and within me…” (Raol Plus, “How To Pray Always”, p.102).
At one point – after my little baby went to Heaven even before he was born – I struggled to pray.
At least, I felt that I was struggling to pray. After all, I refused to concentrate in my prayers and I spent most of my praying time berating God for this terrible thing that had happened and basically being a heartbroken mess in front of Him. I realise now that this was a prayer too. For a prayer is nothing more than conversation with my Beloved. And sometimes – as a frightened child – I shout and rail. But still my Beloved hears me and helps me and loves me…
Once I went to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the priest said to me, well, dear, there is just no point being so angry at God because you can’t really kick Him in the shins, can you? And I remember laughing a little bit at what he said and thinking to myself that he was right, but that I was so angry with God that I would not be able to stop anyway.
And I know how that sounds… Little miserable me, with my little sinful soul – the me who deserves nothing at all and only receives everything through the graciousness and love of the Father – angry at God because although He has given me plenty, He has also not given me something very important that I wanted.
Of course – with hindsight – I have come to realise (through Grace and no merit of my own) that God did not take anything away from me when my child died. Instead, He gave me a little Saint in Heaven to watch over me. And it was probably that little Saint in Heaven who has sustained me and all my family – and maybe even you too – for all this time, through his prayers for me, and for you too.
During those angry years I would Pray the Our Father. And I grew close to the Person of God the Father in those moments… “The words “In the name of the Father” do not cause me to think of a Father millions of miles away, or a Father who dominates me with His immensity so that my heart is more frightened than softened, but of a Father close by and within me – a Father who is there, and, to use an expression of Father Faber, who finds my soul the home of His Son, who is waiting for me at the door of my heart, and of the Holy Spirit, who intervenes in the conduct of my life so as to impart to it its eternal merit, who does everything with and will not leave me for one instant alone.” (Raoul Plus, “How To Pray Always”, p.102).
And I am very grateful for that today!
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.
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