Drawn

“Put to flight my foolishness that I may know You. Show me the road I must travel that I may see You.” (Soliloquies 1, 5, page 118).

Spirit of God Hovering over the Waters (Unknown)

I have recently spoken to someone about my experience of conversion.

Though I was born and raised as a Catholic, and though I attended to the Sacraments, and attended Holy Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, and though I tried my best to be a good person in the usual ways, I spent the first nearly-forty years of my life doing this without any real love…  I did my duty and followed all the rules, and my heart was dry.

And then my youngest child died before he was even born, and I was so terribly saddened by this that I turned my heart against God and did everything in my power to deny Him my love.  And funnily enough, during that terrible time, I continued to attend Holy Mass, and I received all the sacraments, but I did not love God at all during that time.  I used to think to myself that when I died, I wanted to go to Heaven to see my child, but I did not want to go to heaven to see God, because I did not love God anymore.  I believed that God was punishing me and that God had tormented me by putting that child into my life and then tearing him away from me.

And I was like a petulant teenager, determined to hate God for that.

And then something happened – and it was something completely beyond my control…  While I was praying for my niece who was so sick and in need of prayers (yes, I continued to pray to God because I never stopped believing in him, I only stopped loving and trusting Him) God drew me to Himself.

I had done nothing at all to deserve it.  I had done nothing at all to merit it.  I had certainly not endeared myself to my Eternal Father by throwing a tantrum that lasted whole entire years of my life, but despite all of this and despite my undeserving nature, God drew me to Himself…

Saint Augustine said, “Our Lord said: ‘No one can come to Me unless the Father Who sent Me draws that person.’ This is a great commendation of grace! Do not make judgments about whom God draws and whom He does not draw, unless you wish to fall into error. Accept this once and for all, and understand it: you are not yet drawn to God? Pray that you may be drawn! (Sermon on John 26, 2) Prayer: Lord, heal and open my eyes that I may recognize Your will. Put to flight my foolishness that I may know You. Show me the road I must travel that I may see You. Thus aided, I hope to do all You have commanded me.” (Soliloquies 1, 5, page 118).

And I have been thinking about that today as I have been thinking about God.  For how blessed I am to have received such a Grace as to love my God…  So blessed, that I pray that every soul on this Earth receives the same Grace as that…

For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.