God is trusting me to love Him no matter what.
Sometimes God says, “No.”
It really does not matter how much you pray or how much you really really want the thing you are praying for to work out, sometimes, God just says, “No.”
I remember – prior to my conversion, praying so much for another little baby. I just really wanted another little baby after I lost my last little boy before he was even born. And the little baby I was praying for would not have replaced that child who went to Heaven before I was ready to let him go, but he would have soothed the ache.
And I prayed for that in so many different ways. I cajoled, I bargained, and I demanded. And all the while, my heart grew heavier, and my faith grew weaker. And yet somehow, I continued to pray – albeit angrily – AT my God.
And I have been reflecting on that today, because that additional little baby never came, and now I know with sure finality that there will never be another biological child for me in this Earthly life, and so I know – with certainty – that God said, “NO!” to me, with a great big exclamation mark!
And somehow, everything is okay. The thing I wanted most in the world will never be, and somehow, the sun rises in the morning, I work during the day, and I go to sleep at night. Somehow everything is okay – and, through the intervention of the Holy Spirit – MORE than okay…
And I have been reflecting on that today, because I have come to realise that sometimes God does not say YES, and there is a reason for that…
Yes, of course the reason is that God has plans that we cannot even fathom, but there is more to it than that. It is also because the things that I desire are not important to God. He simply does not consider my desires as important as I consider them. In this I am like a little toddler demanding a sandwich right this second because they feel they will die of starvation if they do not get fed now, but actually, their mother will have dinner on the table in a few minutes and their dinner is better than the sandwich…
But there is another reason why God says, “No.” And that is trust. It is because God is trusting me to love Him no matter what. He is trusting me to chose Him no matter what. He is trusting me to tell others about Him and His Glory no matter what.
And when I think about that today, I consider the thing that I wanted so desperately and I can see something of the power of God through the fog of disappointment.
For my Lord and my God has done great things for me and – through His Holy Power – I can see that now. And to feel that moment is awesome. It is truly awesome…
For with prayer, I stand on Holy Ground where everything is clear. Here. At the Foot of the Cross.
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